No way, I just saw a dog while I was taking my Sasquatch for a walk. You guys probably think I'm crazy and don't believe me, about the dog.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Trying to remember the standard gift for the 8 year anniversary. Is it pottery or dismemberment? I can never keep them straight.
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like "Loves Abortions Allison" or "Intern Groper Gary".
and I've decided that my new years resolution is to let some of the children escape from my basement
The last time one period had me this nervous, I was 19 and the condom broke. #mnwild #StanleyCupPlayoffs
Okay, Iran, now that that's over with, where are we on the Wes Welker and Jimmy Graham for Drew Brees deal?
Never treat someone like Coca-Cola when they treat you like Pepsi.