First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Neighbors are the most dangerous type of strangers because they know where you live.
"There's no place like home, there's no place like home," I recited, as my body flew through space and time into a Dunkin Donuts garbage can
I just found the best carpet stain remover! Wood floors.
Never underestimate a woman's ability to make anything your fault.
Its Pretty cool how Facebook lets you stay connected with people you haven't seen in years and silently judge them on a daily basis
There's no use worrying about things you can't control. And the good news is, that's pretty much
Having kids is like being at a press conference: "No, you can't put the dog in the washer - next question." "No, you can't really fly -next"