Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that's a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
I really want a traditional marriage just to know how many goats I'm worth.
Does my clit look fat in these jeans?- What Miley Cyrus says every time she get's dressed.
Judging from my ability to make my own life miserable, I know I'm gonna make a really great parent one day.
I always give 100% at work: 13% Monday, 22% Tuesday, 26% Wednesday, 35% Thursday, 4% Friday. :D
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying "et cetera."
Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep. I thank the lord for this good day, even though it was all recorded by the NSA.
Two undercover cops walk into a bar of zombies. Veteran cop starts moonwalking to Thriller. "Look alive," he says.
*Rookie cop vomits*