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Oct 30 2013

@carlyken: A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.

 
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Feb 24 2014

@StoferComic: I try not to generalize, but I'm pretty sure anyone who eats a Kit Kat whole instead of breaking it apart is a psychotic murderer.

 
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Feb 15 2014

@iGreenMonk: Its not my fault I have a double-chin...when God was giving out chins..I thought he said Gin so I said I'll have a double.

 
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Nov 19 2013

@timdonakowski: Considering catnip was probably my low point.

 
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Jul 16 2013

@alanedunsmorem7: Dear Google, thank you for doing most of my homework for me.

 
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Jul 10 2013

@lanorakeecht012: I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

 
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Nov 01 2013

@RyanMaxRiley: Given how enormous the universe is, I assume there’s an alien out there who does a mocking impression of me. Screw you, alien.

 
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Dec 06 2013

@timdonakowski: Brad Pitt: No. Matt Damon: No. Christian Bale: No. Jason Statham: No. Matt Dillon: No. Keanu Reeves: Yes!

 
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