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Nov 30 2013

@carlyken: Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that's a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse [Everyone dies]

 
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Feb 13

@LisAHHHHHHHH: I really want a traditional marriage just to know how many goats I'm worth.

 
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Nov 15 2013

@MsCassieDaniels: Does my clit look fat in these jeans?- What Miley Cyrus says every time she get's dressed.

 
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Apr 13

@MsCassieDaniels: Judging from my ability to make my own life miserable, I know I'm gonna make a really great parent one day.

 
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Jul 16 2013

@sparklegranvil7: I always give 100% at work: 13% Monday, 22% Tuesday, 26% Wednesday, 35% Thursday, 4% Friday. :D

 
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Jan 27

@timdonakowski: I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying "et cetera."

 
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Jul 11 2013

@TheWriteStuff2u: Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep. I thank the lord for this good day, even though it was all recorded by the NSA.

 
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Oct 29 2013

@carlyken: Two undercover cops walk into a bar of zombies. Veteran cop starts moonwalking to Thriller. "Look alive," he says. *Rookie cop vomits*

 
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