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Mar 11 2014

@lava89: It must've been great to be the first person to use an ATM. Your friends would think you had super powers to make money.

 
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Jan 30 2014

@Tumi_De_real: Her: Do you have protection? Me: Uhmm! like a sword?

 
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Nov 23 2013

@timdonakowski: I heard my GF ask the TV, "Ugh, why do people think Adam Levine is sexy?" I smiled into the mirror, nodded, and finished shaving my back.

 
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Oct 21 2013

@FuckJeffGolblum: Every vodka bottle comes with a prize at the bottom. Its called regret.

 
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Oct 23 2013

@_Shizzle: Your bio says you have a masters in psychology, but here we are starring the same dick jokes and I don't have any student loans.

 
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Nov 23 2013

@carlyken: I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant

 
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Sep 12 2013

@_dhollings: Ah, the wonders of young love. Sooner or later, someone is going to end up in an institution. #TCMParty #SplendorInTheGrass

 
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Jan 06 2014

@timdonakowski: Pee your name in the snow and you'll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.

 
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