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Jul 24

@ComedianJerryG: Seeing my kids growing up so fast makes me realize that I'm becoming a DILF

 
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Jul 24

@ComedianJerryG: As a kid I was soooo ugly I asked my parents if they loved me and they said "yes, but more like a friend"

 
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Jul 22

@LisAHHHHHHHH: I can't look in the mirror because I get lost in my own eyes

 
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Jul 22

@LisAHHHHHHHH: I'm so fancy Iggy Azalea is jealous

 
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Jul 20

@lava89: When I'm at a vending machine with only crumpled bills, I feel like that episode of the Twilight Zone where the bookwork breaks his glasses.

 
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Jul 15

@wickedblondeone: Love is all you need. Oh, and carbs.

 
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Jul 15

@wickedblondeone: what if next to verified checkmarks, there was a "this person looks like their profile pic" checkmark?

 
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Jul 11

@wickedblondeone: My caffeine has totally worn off. That makes me unarticulate. And I have trouble using words too.

 
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