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Oct 15

@kryptickevin: *Kanye grabs mic from Harry Styles* "I wanna say your band's name is cool, but North West is 2 directions and 2 times better." *drops mic*

 
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Oct 15

@kryptickevin: Halloween is by far the safest day to kill a person and leave them in a chair on your porch.

 
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Oct 07

@gringothespice: My name was Pauline Wilson, but then I married and took my husband's name so now I'm Simon Wilson.

 
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Oct 06

@carlyken: My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I'm trying one more time and then it'll be his future wife's problem.

 
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Oct 04

@carlyken: If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he's going to be Taken 4: Granted

 
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Oct 01

@ClaytonSykes: People glaring at me after their 'Amber Alert' siren goes off on their iphone is about how long it's been since I've shaved...

 
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Sep 26

@ComedianJerryG: Today is my Cheat Day...and I'm not talking about Diets.

 
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Sep 23

@FuckJeffGolblum: Why do people take selfies with a face that looks like they're taking a shit? Did you not learn how to smile or what

 
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